‘Too often the thing you want most in life is the one you can’t have. Desire leaves us heartbroken, it wears us out. Desire can wreck your life. But as tough as wanting something can be. The people who suffer the most are those who don’t know what they want.’ – Grey’s Anatomy
I pondered over this for a long time. I questioned myself what I wanted? Is photography really the field I want to make my career in? Or will I be happy with any other creative option irrespective of earning low? But what do I mean when I say ANY? I keep nagging about my life; that I don’t deserve a B grade engineering college. I don’t deserve being fat. I don’t deserve being single. I deserve better. But better what?
Believe me I was blank! After recapping my life, I realized I wasn’t happy because whenever I made a decision it was more or less pressurized if not forced. I was a weakling and wasn’t sure of myself; what If I fail? What if things don’t go as expected? Frankly I was scared of the pointing fingers. Since the day I opted PCM and then BE, I have seen myself going weaker emotionally each passing day. Yes PCM was my decision, only because I was unaware of the other possibilities. I blame myself for not searching much and planning it up. Despite realizing my capabilities and my will towards the subject soon after the term started, I kept preparing for IIT JEE because dad said, “Develop interest! Develop interest! Develop it!” And I just couldn’t give a strong front and began crying. The story ended when I enrolled myself in Medicaps in 2011, giving four more years for developing interest which hasn’t seemed to develop yet.
Second time when I tried strongly to take up this issue, I overheard mom-dad discussing, “She wants to surrender. Each time she is under the pressure of exam, she comes up with some silly interest. She is not consistent with her aim.” That was it. That was when I thought I had lost it forever. They love me and want me to get a good husband; hence they are making a beautiful package out of me for Jain matrimonial site.
I remember, I used to be this strong Leo girl drinking in all the tears, focused, confident and easy going. Now I find myself crying even with a slight scolding form dad; especially dad; and I don’t want to blame the poor age alone! Although yesterday, while one of my crying sessions, a good thing happened. I understood the biggest mistake I have been committing. Each time I retaliated I didn’t have self assurance myself because I lacked the proper planning and research! That is the reason I ended up crying. For once I even believed dad that yes it’s indeed the exam fever that made me search for an excuse to skip them.
Yesterday happened for good. I have promised myself to return to my old form; to reply confidently when someone makes fun of the way I look or the way I speak or dress; to make small commitments and stick with them. I promised that the next time I am going to talk about my future with my parents, I will be confident enough to make them believe in me. And even if they fear of me taking the risk, I will stick to my choice.
All I need to do now is to chalk out a plan considering all the plausible possiblities.It’s not that once I am in my field, I will be satisfied with the low earning or bad performance. Never! Satisfaction is practically impossible.
But i will be atleast happy trying to achieve heights in what I believe I can; in what I have interest in.
Pakhi
26.11.2012
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