Believing YOUrself

‘Too often the thing you want most in life is the one you can’t have. Desire leaves us heartbroken, it wears us out. Desire can wreck your life. But as tough as wanting something can be. The people who suffer the most are those who don’t know what they want.’ – Grey’s Anatomy

I pondered over this for a long time. I questioned myself what I wanted? Is photography really the field I want to make my career in? Or will I be happy with any other creative option irrespective of earning low? But what do I mean when I say ANY? I keep nagging about my life; that I don’t deserve a B grade engineering college. I don’t deserve being fat. I don’t deserve being single. I deserve better. But better what? 

Believe me I was blank! After recapping my life, I realized I wasn’t happy because whenever I made a decision it was more or less pressurized if not forced. I was a weakling and wasn’t sure of myself; what If I fail? What if things don’t go as expected? Frankly I was scared of the pointing fingers. Since the day I opted PCM and then BE, I have seen myself going weaker emotionally each passing day. Yes PCM was my decision, only because I was unaware of the other possibilities. I blame myself for not searching much and planning it up. Despite realizing my capabilities and my will towards the subject soon after the term started, I kept preparing for IIT JEE because dad said, “Develop interest! Develop interest! Develop it!”  And I just couldn’t give a strong front and began crying. The story ended when I enrolled myself in Medicaps in 2011, giving four more years for developing interest which hasn’t seemed to develop yet.

Second time when I tried strongly to take up this issue, I overheard mom-dad discussing, “She wants to surrender. Each time she is under the pressure of exam, she comes up with some silly interest. She is not consistent with her aim.” That was it. That was when I thought I had lost it forever. They love me and want me to get a good husband; hence they are making a beautiful package out of me for Jain matrimonial site.

I remember, I used to be this strong Leo girl drinking in all the tears, focused, confident and easy going. Now I find myself crying even with a slight scolding form dad; especially dad; and I don’t want to blame the poor age alone! Although yesterday, while one of my crying sessions, a good thing happened. I understood the biggest mistake I have been committing. Each time I retaliated I didn’t have self assurance myself because I lacked the proper planning and research! That is the reason I ended up crying. For once I even believed dad that yes it’s indeed the exam fever that made me search for an excuse to skip them.

Yesterday happened for good. I have promised myself to return to my old form; to reply confidently when someone makes fun of the way I look or the way I speak or dress; to make small commitments and stick with them. I promised that the next time I am going to talk about my future with my parents, I will be confident enough to make them believe in me. And even if they fear of me taking the risk, I will stick to my choice.

All I need to do now is to chalk out a plan considering all the plausible possiblities.It’s not that once I am in my field, I will be satisfied with the low earning or bad performance. Never! Satisfaction is practically impossible.

But i will be atleast happy trying to achieve heights in what I believe I can; in what I have interest in.

Pakhi

26.11.2012

Realizations this Diwali

Okay! Been a long time I typed something. Here is how I celebrated Diwali.

I realized that mom and dad have grown old. Dad’s accident added to the aging has made him more or less dependent. Also the trait that comes in his genes of repeatedly explaining every little thing makes it hard for anybody to work with him peacefully. Mom being a lady with high self esteem has great expectations. How much ever I try to cope with her, it gets harder and harder.

I realized what a great help she was; my big sister. She could help dad with the outside work and at the same time Mom in the kitchen while I would be one couch potato with a book in hand making the typical excuse of studying.

I realized that despite all the fights I have with my cousin, staying at our place, she has become an integral part of my life. Her absence was felt this Diwali.

I realized that I am going through a lot of changes within. I have turned out to be an emotional fool in my way of becoming an independent practical woman. I cry frequently, I get these terrible mood swings. Whenever possible, I find my way out of the crowd.

I realized that I took some of my worst decisions 2 years back despite knowing my capabilities. It will take 2 more years to have an engineering degree in my hand and finally letting myself free for the future in photography and reel-ated fields.

I realized that although I didn’t give importance to things like “peace of inner soul”, “om shaanti”, for I thought these are for the cowards, they matter a lot to shape up your thoughts; especially in age like this.

I realized that all this while my thoughts have matured. Whatever happened I have learnt from it. I realized that may be staying in Indore was a good decision after all. Because I was a kid at heart until few days back, who couldn't have survived if it wasn't my family and friends.

PS: I don’t have to mention this but I love my mom and dad. It’s just the side effects of aging which no cream can cure, and my end teens that it is becoming hard to blend in at the moment.  

"Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure.“ – Earl Wilson 

2 dice in my room, a white sheet, and sunlight! :)