Saturday 28 September 2013

A peek into my Heart


After receiving mixed comments over my previous blog (deleted now), I wasn't quite satisfied. For some it was too open of me to write such a thing, for others it was as if I am trying to give an open invitation. For me it was neither of that; indeed a modest entry by a girl to quench the loneliness that struck her for a while.

Anyway this post is nothing related to the former.

I started this blog as a diary in which I could pen down *sharable* day to day events, weird thoughts, special people, happy accidents, sad stories and you know! But now I really have to strain my brain to filter out as to what is possibly appropriate for me to post. Aaaah! How I wish I hadn't disclosed my identity before. Apparently I can't openly express my anguish over something neither can I blithely tell about the blushing incidents. I have to craftily write about who is being the pain in the arss and who is the next I am falling for! And it's no easy game if you are thinking so! Half of the time I discard what I have written after spending over an hour to it just coz' of the dreadful thought, "what if he/she reads it"!

How easy life would have been if one could act anonymous and be whatever he wants to. I tried a fake email id on fb when I was this crazy lil' punk kind girl. Added masses of people, flirted with guys (for back then I could not even do F of flirting if I was me) discussed things, got an insight into their life history after serving them a little of my fake family stories; I know it wasn’t the right thing to do, but it was purely fun and on the top of it I did make some awesome friends to whom I later on revealed my true self. I would make the other side cry of my miserable life or sometimes would tell about the fun friend circle, fake sisters I have  and blah-blah all to give a tint of reality to the fake profile; Although most of it was untrue, occasionally I slipped some of my deep dark secrets to the total strangers to get some consolation or different opinions over things which for a 16 year old must have been very important and yet she could never let anybody know them.

You must be wondering what a jobless coward girl! Yes I was one shy girl with pimples  and smudged kohl, bitten nails, only confident academically; when in my friend circle, oh no NO! I would cover my insecurities with a layer of tom boyishh attitude so that no one knows what the heart is pumping (other than blood, of course)!

It has not been long since I have overcome this feeling of timidness and have seen myself with more respect. Plus it has only made me happier; Also one of the reasons I face lesser mood swings now. I have stopped letting things (which directly point to me/my looks/my work/my anything) dwell in my heart and try to react with a good wit at the moment itself (feeling a sense of joy as I do that)! It's very important to value yourself if you want others to do so! More importantly if you want to live happy! I don’t say looks are secondary or everyone (especially girls) can accept that fact easily, for I couldn't. I can't skip the truth that only after reducing few kgs and taking a little care of my body and appearance, have I been able to achieve the confidence level I have now. I always wanted to be known by my work, and I am happy to be called the girl with the camera but now I don’t fear the teasers that come along with that.

Right from the heart
Pakhi