Burst Of Emotions

It's one of those things I am facing being a person with extreme characteristics. I love a lot or I don't. I am either working full time or out there doing nothing. I am too much into you or I run away far, very far. I have failed to achieve the balance. I feel too much. I feel too much cold and I feel too much deep inside. I have been titled as the moody one and I have been called that a zillion times. They mock that I PMS for months and despite all that some still bear and stick by me, thanks to all those generous souls. Believe me I know my problem too, I feel too much. I try to stay away but when I get attached, I am glued. Be it work or person, I am dependent on each and everything that happens around it. Photography is a part of my life and it's my profession that must be left  for office timings ( had I any specific office time)  but I still take every person's comment and every damn picture personally. I know it's not right approach but I still do. I feel it in my heart. I hurt myself by expecting from my people. Small things, big things, they all matter to me. It's painful to sense so much and not be able to show it. The only escape is then to show the exit door, either for them or myself.

Last month I couldn't manage the timings and filled my schedule with back to back shoots. I didn't meet any friends or spent personal time. The only good thing I remember doing was watching PINK, that too because it rained and my shoot was cancelled. Today I am celebrating by doing nothing but writing this. You know you pick up freelancing because you think you can manage family and work and also the most important Me time. But hey it's a myth. Prat shared me an article about freelancers and I could relate to it so much. When projects and money start chipping in, when you see your name rising you are scared to lose it all . You say yes to everything and that's exactly when you unknowingly enter into a lifestyle that hardly gives you space to do anything else but work.  

I have been crying on things I don't have any control on. I have been hurting M too and I know it's killing him. I know he has been working for better and I should give us time. Naman Bhaiya suggested me to take up an office and have a proper schedule. It feels the right thing to do too, only it's so scary to move out of my comfort space and dress up daily to office. To be bounded by a rental expense.  I need to get a personal phone too. With work loading up, I shouldn't take all these suggestions lightly. I need to shape up things and not work so loosely. I have to write down my stepping stones. Jiju was correct. Until I do that, I won't feel organised within. The fact is I have grown beyond freelancing and it's high time I realize that. I can't play a college girl anymore and only because I get to sleep anytime of the day or talk to my guy any f*cking time, I should stay back. I need to grow. I am made for more! I am in a long distance and yes it's one of the things I just feel might be affected. I am a home girl too inside, this part of me is lesser known to people but it exists in there. The thing, with me having more time than him, it's already letting to a disaster. Goa trip in October might be a perfect holiday before I begin my phase two.

Emotional ones like me need to read or watch of what great men were built off. I watched Jobs a few days back and obviously I was inspired. I should do my part of the research and didi is correct in saying that I should get off my home zone and start building a network. I should go in conferences and hold one too. I need to be there and enter the war-zone. I have to gather my shit and move out.

This year happened just too fast. Full-time photography, travelling time to time, maintaining  relationships, with all the positive people around me, I did much more than expected. I am thankful to everyone, family, friends and the almighty. I have made mistakes and learnt. I have received fame and success and now is the time to level up. I will.

 Pakhi

Don't be afraid to Be

Right side of my head is aching badly. I have been trying to sleep for past two hours but can't. Times when I feel, I really need to start meditating. There is so much happening in my life and I have a feeling that I might just burst out. I have literally forgotten how to live at a slow pace. Number of inquiries have shot up, Paridhi Jain photography is becoming a brand and people want the shoots to be done by it, I face little or no requests for a bargain now and that is itself a mark of success. I am happy about it all. My next plan of action is to hire people coz else I will be a limited affair. I feel proud of my tiny self to be spreading my name in different parts of the country. I know I just got lucky when I got to go to Malaysia to cover a  South Indian wedding. I know I just got lucky when I was called to Bangalore to cover a family based out of Chicago. It has been a slow and gradual progress;but it is a step ahead and I cannot hide the excitement to climb rest of the staircase. Traveling to Bangalore and getting to know a firangi family, actually two firangi families was all worth it. Not having turned professional even after three years is what I thank my upbringing for. I still feel bad when I am not able to take up a project or do someone's work. It still hurts when some shoots don't turn out to be as planned. And compliments still make my heart smile.

Didi and me together are putting up an exhibition this fourth of July and literally just six days are left before the big event. I haven't done anything concrete yet and hence the head ache, I guess. I am thrilled also since this will my first photo exhibit too. I hope we two sisters set a name for ourselves after that. She is going to sell out her line of baby carriers. This mom entrepreneur is one of my favourite persons to be with. I adore her for being such a big hearted girl. Her love for her close ones is clearly visible by her actions and it's cute. I love her crazy and I feel so happy for her. We threw mom dads surprise 30th anniversary party at her place too last 18th and it was a big hit. I was living with her to take a break from my home and from the few responsibilities I had back there; and well to be honest, to meet my friends at any time of the day or night without having to lie it to parents and as a result the party idea clicked.

You know all this is fine. I chose what to do, sometimes I get things easily while other times I have to fight for them. It's all okay. Tough or not, I manage to get it. I am not saying this to self boost but I just want to spread that if you think you can, then start working on a plan. Start small, big will come to you sooner or later. People say, I have a chilled out family, my lifestyle is different than the rest. Like yours even they made me do engineering only. They had told me they would prefer me joining job or higher studies rather than photography which they told i can keep as a side profession. But I reasoned out. I don't agree that what parents do or say is always 100 percent correct. Sometimes their decisions for their children are out of love and fear and safety. Why will any parent like his child to take a risk? They are humans along with being parents and they care for their close ones and sometimes blindly. Yes agreed that my lifestyle is different but who made it different? See I am not blaming you or your parents. I am just reasoning out here. Generally, the child ends up in an argument with parents instead of a discussion. It's a crying and screaming heated up argument for a day or two, after which things are back to normal. It was easy for the parent to influence the child because he had come with no plan but just an idea while the parent's plan for him was in their mind since the day he was born, obviously they win. I may be too small or immature to put this theory but I see it this way. Mom and dad can be wrong too. Please don't waste your twenties. If your plan is risky, always have a backup. But don't you give up or give in your life in someone else's hand. Also, don't you dare cry later for the 'what if...' situation. What if you had chosen to do this, what if you had planned it that way, what if you had accepted that offer,what if you had taken the flight, what if...! Stop considering yourself or others as lucky or unlucky. That's like you just don't give credit to his or her hard work. Handle your life wisely. Listen to your parents, your teachers, your seniors, your inspirations, your friends. Take notes, self-argue, write pros cons, reason and take a decision. Also, keep away from negative thoughts and negative people while you are at your delicate stage in life.

Stop feeling guilty once you take your life in your hands. Balance out time with friends and family but stop feeling ashamed because you weren't able to give them time last evening. Yes they gave birth to us, gave us a beautiful childhood but we don't owe our lives to them. If you were not spending  time with them for past many days then do it right away but just because they don't like you going out daily irrespective of the fact that you are doing no wrong and that it gives your mind a little peace, don't stop doing what you love. At twenties you are big enough. Let them know, mom dad after day and night of working, a cup of coffee with a girl-friend or guys give you happiness. Let them know you are there for them whenever they need you and not because it's wrong to stay outside or watch movies late night because that's the only time you are free. 

Be strong and positive and confident. Don't be afraid to be you. Don't be afraid to live your life your way. We all are different and no one, not even our parents can take the final steps. Don't be afraid to be. 

Dil se. Dilli se.

It's Delhi and I am here for a wedding shoot. I came a day early to take out some me time. I wanted to buy clothes from my ever favourite Janpat street. I wanted to roam on the clean streets where I know my shoes aren't getting dirty. I wanted to see the pretty Delhi faces covered in the best of fashion. A day away from home, from my room, from family, from anybody who knows me, lost in the city where no one is aware of my existence. In the evening I plan to meet my sister at whose place I am staying and have a heart to heart conversation on the game of hearts. As I got off the plane today, the air around me felt a little different. I was dressed up in red coat  and black denim and sneakers mom and dad got from Mauritius. There is something about shoes; the better they fit you, the more confident you feel. This pair and the one I got from Singapore makes me fly. So yes, I was literally and metaphorically both flying. Camera bag on my shoulder, right hand trolling the suitcase on which my blue madame handbag was perfectly balanced and the other one holding the phone calling for ola; heart praying for the 3G to work. Meanwhile stomach was feeling hungry and body tired for not getting proper sleep. To make my self look more stuffed than I already was I got myself a cappuccino and veg cheese sandwich packed in brown paper bag. I sat behind the driver, gave him the directions, ear phones plugged in, I talked to my bff and had my little brunch. The network was pissing both of us so we decided to talk another time. And that moment I realised its been long I had music to listen to and the daily people like the cab driver to talk to; I had the window scenes to observe and conversations to overhear. My heart is definitely craving for another solo trip, for a part of me will never stop seeking for new.

I reached my cousins place, changed into suitable clothing for street shopping coz' Delhi wasn't as cold as it was supposed to be, decided to not take rest, coffee had already taken away my sleep for few hours and caught a metro to Janpath. Earphones plugged, this time for some peppy songs, I bargained with the shopkeepers, gave them a delhite look and after an hour of shopping all my money was theirs. I was humming to myself when a lady smiled at me, I smiled back and pointed my earphones. On my way back in metro to Gurgaon, I was fascinated by the woman who rightfully asked for water in the crowd. One could have called her mannerless when she returned the bottle to my neighbour without a thank you. A minute later though she did mumble a thanks, but again in the same tone that didn't reflect any sort of gratitude the word demands. Rude, people around must have misjudged. Although if someone would have observed her as closely as me, she was the most simple and naive hearted lady I had come across all day. My eyes shifted to another girl who had taken support of the wall as she sat crossed leg on the floor with MRI report in her hand. Her face dull and eyes that lacked a spark in them. To my other side sat a brother sister duo with their pretty eyes mom. It could have been a perfect mom-kids situation till I saw a huge bump on the little ones head. I prayed to God and now was looking straight at the two girls, who strangers at first for one another had suddenly started with a conversation mentioning something about Jealous 21. I smiled to myself and wished sincerely to go out of bounds once again. To read the different faces. To exchange stories with different people in varied backdrops and different situations. Ignoring the auto rickshaws on my way, I walked down to my cousins flat with a constant smile on face.

How much I love this sort of independent girl image. How much I enjoy doing it on my own. But how much will I love to do this all with him, I wonder. May be more. He will be pissed and amazed both at the the silly things I do and I would love to see the expression changes on his face. I will make him embarrassed and proud, I will be soft and loud, I know I will be happy with him. And I will be the happiest if I know he genuinely loves me at the end of it all. And I know he will, I know he does. Why everything has to be about him now? Why everything has to end with him in the picture? May be because everything we do, we do it to be loved a little more, isn't it? To love ourselves more and to find that one person who will love us the way we are and the way we wish to? Living independent knowing at the end you have that one person to lean on to was my today. As I reached home I undressed, wore my pajamas, got into the quilt and called him to make me sleep on the phone. I enjoyed today independent and dependent...