30days. Weddings. Non stop Shoots. New people. Sleep deprived. Fake smile. Me me and only me in crowded places full of glittery people hiding emotions behind a 550D.
After over a month that the College reopened, I stepped in only to meet a bunch of very angry friends. I thought a few hours of fun would dilute it but No. There was something more that was building up inside them. A clear negative vibe for me. At first I was confused then a little irritated but gradually I understood the depth of the infuriated minds. It was our last few months together and ending four years of friendship in a small but deep misunderstanding wasn't something I was ready to accept. Like always I asked my Mom where did I go wrong to be welcomed by such a behavior. I asked my best chum cum counsellor if I was really a person they described me as.
From both I learnt that take out time for people who love you no matter what. Take out the damn time. Everybody at some point expect something out of you. And that something is most of the times expressing the fact that you are there and that you care.
I just experienced a trailer of an over busy office life and how one loses out on closed ones. Although you might have a very valid reason of staying away but till when can both the sides keep giving justifications? The chain of reasons and excuses doesn't make a healthy relationship. So it's okay to take a backseat. Its okay to let go of Whys and spread the love that has been rusting in your little heart.
Pakhi
And here goes the edited version of my Apology Letter to the friend:
Hi,
Because this is the best way I can write my heart out…
I told mummy what
happened as you know I kind of share almost everything with her, to get an
insight to what actually went wrong. To some extent she was neutral, she told
me on your journey to create a name in the market, this was the first thing
that was very much possible. And it was to come. You have entered a life which
your friends are yet to. Although they may understand your point of you later,
like in a few months when they get a job but right now it's you who should
understand theirs. Like a group of close knit friends, they have a right to
have certain expectations from you. For whatsoever reasons, if it's not
fulfilled and if such happens for a long time, heart breaks. How long can one be a giver? We are all human, and for
every deed we do, we expect something in return. Unfortunately you many a times
fail to understand this little fact consciously or unconsciously. Even we as
parents have experienced this in you. When you are ill, you want us by your
bedside, but when we are, you don't even ask "mummy how's health, you want
something?" You seem so detached as if we don't matter, busy with your
work or friends.
I was left wordless. Because it was all true. I lack a sense
of love in me or a sense to express it rather and I guess it's time I develop
it. Especially when I no longer need people in work or pleasure but to thank
them that the mere feeling that they exist makes me keep going in life. Thank
you for making me realize it. An emotional person, my dad, when he heard my
story, he was on your side. He told me she has every reason to think what she
thinks.
When I am your friend, I assure you I will be there till
death made us apart. I am sorry past one month I gave a totally new look to
you, no calls from my side, no missing messages, no plans to catch up, nothing.
I won't tell you what all I went through
in the last 30 days until we are in talking terms with no grudges to hold on to
because then they will only appear as
mere reasons to hide my heartlessness. I am sorry again girl. I can only tell,
I have cried and missed you guys. Like one leaves home happily only to realize
how big a comfort it was and nothing can be like it. Same happened with me too.
But I was under commitment and having no other option but to work day and
night, no body to ask me, " Paridhi how are shoots going?" Nobody to
take out anger on. Always putting a fake smile and clicking away hiding the
loneliness behind. What appears in photographs isn't always true friend. The
smile and the glow may be a result of some cosmetic.
I
know your golden heart. I understand it has been really hurt by people, and now
I am in the list too. But believe me, for once if you would have called me up
and screamed out all that was building up inside you, the very day I could , I
would have come to your place and snuggled in your bed and cried...
May be at times I forget to show, but I feel too…
Take care.
Let the ego that has been hurt, be let go, and let us live
the line ladaaiii karne se pyaar badhta
hai. I have a blurred vision right now, may be tears. Love you loads idiot, if
I may call you one.
Love
Paridhi
