Tuesday 11 August 2015

The Process of Turning 22

Lately I have been writing a lot. Small notes. Bits and Pieces here and there.  And when not that, I am doing a lot of thinking. My tiny brain is stuffed with so much. Last month I got free of shoots and work and took a 10 days break. First two-three days I spent sleeping and resting. As days passed by and Birthday came closer, creepy little thoughts came crawling into my head. Also PMS was working its usual way. I was overthinking the situations and longing for privacy in my overly crowded home. I wanted my creative space and I wanted to confess someone something. Friends were leaving and 22 was happening. With this last birthday I conclude, I hate birthdays. For no reason your expectations rise up and I am sorry for not being able to control my desires. They automatically come down as tear drops. I am sorry for the days my heart just can’t stop wanting things. I am sorry for being so extreme in the way I live life. I know I ultimately hurt myself each time. But I think I need these little sad breaks. That’s the way I am. They make me write. They make me do things. Being balanced keeps me safe and satisfied but I need extremity to take me to some other level. A similar phase years back got me into making photography a serious affair.

It’s wonderful how age brings maturity but when my own sister refuses to understand the changes I am going through, when she herself went through some trouble in this sad age of 22, it pricks my heart. It really does. I am happy that she got herself a beautiful family, maybe I am overthinking again but I felt a distance this time. As if she is not mine. She is first a mother, a wife now. I have no complains either. Just. I know not all of you ponder to this extent or don’t give that much importance to the little changes since they are bound to happen. I have no grudges against you. But a person like me who has made her profession capturing people’s expressions and feelings because that’s how she sees the world- an ocean of emotions, how can she skip the changes her own heart feels or eyes see.
I have made this life. I have built my life. Had I not added a stranger, I wouldn’t have understood photographs. Had I told mom and dad then they would have definitely stopped me from talking to some unknown guy. While they have given me a lot of freedom, I think I am growing up. At 22 I don’t feel like sharing space with them anymore. I feel like having my own little room and managing my own laundry and food section. I don’t want to be answerable to why I came at 11pm. I don’t want to take permissions for little things and don’t want to see them upset if I am going somewhere without informing.  Simply put, I don’t want to justify, at least not the day to day affairs.
I am eagerly waiting for my first solo trip. I read blogs and articles. It says you go through some life changing experiences during this time. Most of my friends would be gone from Indore before I take my flight to a foreign land. I might be in the worst of my extreme moods. Hope future holds a nice surprise. Fingers Crossed.

I openly say it. I am looking for love. I am looking for a person for myself. I am looking for endless trust in some stranger; for late night conversations; for making plans with someone. I am definitely. If I say this to my family even to my own sister, she will just shush me or ask me to concentrate on my career or that these things are useless. But I can’t help feeling this way. And as studies say, this is a normal feeling. Indeed not feeling so can be questionable.

It’s interesting how after really poised 2014, my 2015 has been full of extreme ups and downs. Good number of weddings I got to cover. Got myself a high end camera. Went on a road trip with both friends and family. Lost 6 months old phone. Friends left for higher education or corporate jobs. College over. Honours Degree. Train incident. First foreign trip on my own.  Nadal vs Fed Match Live.  Okay now as I write the bad doesn’t seem that bad. But Meh. Overall this was a mix year up till now.

Hoping for the best,
Pakhi






2 comments:

  1. I suddenly feel like the movie Julie and Julia, whre after a fight between Julie and her husband, the husband shouts that now don't put this up in your blog, and you just did this , and I am a little late in warning you.

    Anyway coming back to blog, I have understood that probably people learn only by personal experience and not by others experience. The only reason I ask you to concentrate on career (which thank god looks promising) and not an imaginary stranger is because I have been through a hell lot of shit in the same age and wasted some precious time. But probably its natural to feel all that.Feel. Live your Life. Learn from your experience.

    Now why you would find me a little distant this time, because like you are going through a volcano of emotions at 22, I just turned 28 and only thing I am learning and dedicating this year is to controlling my emotions, being balanced, and not letting other control my moods at all. Looks like I am doing a great job at it.

    And moreover over the years I have realized that you are really not very receptive when it comes to talking to explaining or even guiding you. You take your own time, learn by self and then understand. Not even one conversation happens where you don't start defending yourself, justifying yourself or say haa pata hai, aap bolo.

    Reason three - subtly and directly I have felt, more than often me being around become reaosn of your mood swings, upsetness or fights with mom, I have tried really hard and still trying not to interfere and come in between.

    Reason four - the other day, everything was good. You came from somewhere happily, an hour later you were in worst of mood, I kept asking kya hua, kya hua, just tell me. Kept guessing. But to no success, there was a fb update regarding the tussle between heart and mind. You chose to put it out there in public than having a decent conversation at home, that completely put me in a backseat to be after you.

    And Last I really wish my trip wouldn't have extended indefinitely or I wouldn't have to stay here for so long. Next time I will plan better.

    P.S. would have preferred a heart to heart conversation or an Email, but like openness is your one of the biggest quality, I tried putting it out here openly.

    At the end, we both woke up with fresh moods today. It's a new day. All this is part of life, of growing up, of being in family and off course being siblings.

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  2. Wow that was so expressive!
    I think all this overthinking stuff is normal at this point when college gets over and you have something as huge as a solo foreign trip coming soon. And also,you find things mostly when you're not looking for them.
    All d best Paridhi mam you are an inspiration😊

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