C'mon You Guys!

Have to prepare two presentations in one night yet I am sitting idly, eyes glued to my facebook page, checking for updates every now and then.  I am so excited about my future. Of course there are going to be times where I can lose all hope and break, I just passed through one but then  you have to be fighter, a creative one indeed. One has to evolve new methods, come up with exciting strategies which keep boosting you up! Yesterday something magical happened; 500 likes on a picture clicked by me in some 40 minutes was unbelievable! A totally *jumping japang jumpuk jumpuk* situation!

I feel proud of the fact that I have never ever hidden anything from my parents. I do belong to that harebrained lot! I do crazy stuff. Yet I am aware of my limits and my freedom. Not praising myself here, no intentions too, only feeling lucky to have these awesome guys as parents! I still remember how well they supported me when I was going through a depressing phase an year back, and it was all about the boy issue, but then I had my dad believing in me and cheering me up! I had my mom filling me with positivity! It's definitely the results of some good deeds in former life, I am so sure of it! I am easily given permission because they know they can trust me, I am allowed to travel alone without a second thought, I am allowed to hang out with guys and meet new people; Unlike other girls of my age, I have never been grounded, never ever the internet facility or mobile phones were snatched away, never did they inquire about whom I texted  with or chatted on facebook or questioned any of my pictures. You know even if you want to try something which your parents don't agree of at first, you have to make them see your view points. You should debate and win that if you believe in your decision; We share a generation gap with them and no doubt there are going to be hitches in the journey. I have found friends entering into relationships and afraid to reveal it to their parents, general case in India. I have found them lying to their parents. I have found them complaining about the junked thoughts of their parents yet I have also found them with a sense of guilt. Guilt, why does that come? If you think you are on the right track, why then the quandary!

Isn't that something to ponder about! Be firm about your decisions and be confident to face anybody  belying them. Teenage is where you make mistakes, learn and grow. But entering twenty and still not sure of your choices, well it's time for some introspection, isn't it?

Pakhi

Life#Mobile#parking slip#discount

DAY 1

Be it 2 o clock at  night, be my eyes all red and wanting to be shut at the very moment, be my handkerchief all soaked up of the fluid from my nose, I have decided to  finally write today; something good ; and not the write ups I usually dump into the private folder. Although I believe, with start so fuildy, why not the private folder again.

Anyway, let's talk of better things in life. Let's talk of life. How about my life. A girl who without thinking takes lift from these unknown guys in car, on their way to college as she missed her bus; who frequently takes rides to home from mere acquaintances; who would sit in a garden with her friends and out of nowhere the idea to mess up the guys hair sitting peacefully in the neighboring group would eat her so much, that she ends up doing it; who  sometimes just for the sake of fun and humor in life would go out of bounds and give her no. to fb strangers (only the ones who win the stranger race, wohooo); who unlike other upper middle class Indian girls would take a van instead of an auto to experience the worst ride ever! For people out there this girl is insane. I mean before jumping into somebody's car, firstly ladies don’t do that, and if they do do, they would go for the long courtesy drama. In my case, "dude thanks a ton!" That's it! And when I tell my friends all about what *new* I did today, I generally don't receive good vibes. They fill my poor little heart with guilt and put my brain under self scrutiny. Of course except for those who are fascinated by my spontaneity but don’t have the guts to be the same.

Well it's not easy to be ME. 

I am afraid of commitment. I am afraid of broken relationships. I am afraid of getting hurt. And so I am ME. A girl with a pair of jeans, a T, a  camera and exploring the world all by herself.

One uneventful day leads to a depressing night and if you are me, you are definitely hovered by thoughts of loneliness... Like it is happening now. Life has been so monotonous for a while. Same routine old life, no excitement, no thrill! Aah! It's so blue in here. And I guess even this note Is going to be discarded into the Private Folder….

Sadness strikes at midnight

Pakhi

DAY 2

And the other day I was searching for some excitement in this mundane life. Who knew that tomorrow was bringing with it a series of events, giving me jitters, taking life out of me for a while and then blowing in again a sense of relief.

I parked my vehicle, slipped  the parking pass into my clutch and quickly answered the phone that was vibrating in my pocket for past 10 min. Furious as I was, I kept mumbling about the nuisances of mobile phones all the way up to the mall. 

"You don’t pick up the phone; you don’t reply to my missed calls; don’t you see my whastapp messages; How dare you block me; Kanjoos get a net pack; Cant you spend one rupee on text message"

Arghhhh! SHUT UP or I WILL SHOOT YOU!

I solely blame this device for what follows next.

After the movie, as I was heading towards Pantaloons, I realized I was missing something. Something was not at its place. I searched my pockets, then my bag, oh FUCK! Where are my keys! I rushed down the basement, recalling what must have happened. Oh the stupid mobile phone. I forgot to pull them out. By now the sweat was dripping down my forehead; my breaths, quick and shallow. I went to the place where I had parked my purple activa, MP 09 SG 1790, but instead of purple activa there was a same colored scooty! Oh what a coincidence, I wondered. She was gone! I talked to the guard, I couldn't find the parking slip as well; and he mocked, well obviously who wouldn't. What a stupid mistake. And also nature made me a woman, damn it! Although I agree to the fact, nothing can be worse than a female driver but I didn’t want to be that girl! I drive well enough! I know! And for god sake this is not the point here. Where do I find my activa now. It was not like it got towed and I just have to reach the nearest thane and get it. It was hard for me to accept the fact that it has been stolen. Still thanks to mumma being a follower of 'shivani ben', I couldn't go that negative. I decided to see the basement 1 where they check for shopping bills and if you haven't shopped above Rs 100, they charge you like 40 bucks! Easy way of making money, hah! Meanwhile I called my friends explaining the whole situation. I ran and panted; was about to shed a tear when I saw an unwashed purple activa, 179 and half a 0; I smiled with relief. I laughed and bumped into a car; Slow was its speed so no bruises there. I literally started jumping , all eyes staring at this mad girl. Well No problem dude, you have no idea what I was going through for past 20 minutes. Although the guards wouldn't let me have her, without showing the legal documents, which for obvious reasons I didn't have, I told them if she is safe here, I don’t have any problem, don’t give! I will come back after shopping and arrange for the papers. Wohooo!! I was taken aback by their security system and out of curiosity  asked them how they caught the thief. "madam uske paas parking slip nahi thi, hum kaise jaane dete. Hamare yahan camera lage hue hain, hame sab pata chal jaata hai." 

Oh so that pink little chit saved her! Until today I was completely ignorant of its importance. I thanked the guard, called up dad finally, asking where to look for the papers. I completely forgot dad is in Government and has contacts. A 2 minutes talk to an employee there, and she was freed. Keys in my hand! Till now I hadn't shopped anything. But parking activa back seemed a pretty bad idea, I hope you can grasp why. I preferred going to Westside with all my dignity intact. By now it was 5 pm and I was starving. I thought all I need is max 20 min and  I will be off home. But no!! It took me one and half hours to select the perfect top. As I was clearing my bill, "madam diwali offer in your card, if you shop above 1000 you get 250 deducted." Son of a bitch I murmured!

And again after one more hour I was finally done, hydrochloric acid had started eating my stomach! I quickly rushed home, humming songs on the way, happy and amazed at the Security, with a thought, ek note likhna toh banta hai… 

Jumping

Pakhi

A peek into my Heart

After receiving mixed comments over my previous blog (deleted now), I wasn't quite satisfied. For some it was too open of me to write such a thing, for others it was as if I am trying to give an open invitation. For me it was neither of that; indeed a modest entry by a girl to quench the loneliness that struck her for a while.

Anyway this post is nothing related to the former.

I started this blog as a diary in which I could pen down *sharable* day to day events, weird thoughts, special people, happy accidents, sad stories and you know! But now I really have to strain my brain to filter out as to what is possibly appropriate for me to post. Aaaah! How I wish I hadn't disclosed my identity before. Apparently I can't openly express my anguish over something neither can I blithely tell about the blushing incidents. I have to craftily write about who is being the pain in the arss and who is the next I am falling for! And it's no easy game if you are thinking so! Half of the time I discard what I have written after spending over an hour to it just coz' of the dreadful thought, "what if he/she reads it"!

How easy life would have been if one could act anonymous and be whatever he wants to. I tried a fake email id on fb when I was this crazy lil' punk kind girl. Added masses of people, flirted with guys (for back then I could not even do F of flirting if I was me) discussed things, got an insight into their life history after serving them a little of my fake family stories; I know it wasn’t the right thing to do, but it was purely fun and on the top of it I did make some awesome friends to whom I later on revealed my true self. I would make the other side cry of my miserable life or sometimes would tell about the fun friend circle, fake sisters I have  and blah-blah all to give a tint of reality to the fake profile; Although most of it was untrue, occasionally I slipped some of my deep dark secrets to the total strangers to get some consolation or different opinions over things which for a 16 year old must have been very important and yet she could never let anybody know them.

You must be wondering what a jobless coward girl! Yes I was one shy girl with pimples  and smudged kohl, bitten nails, only confident academically; when in my friend circle, oh no NO! I would cover my insecurities with a layer of tom boyishh attitude so that no one knows what the heart is pumping (other than blood, of course)!

It has not been long since I have overcome this feeling of timidness and have seen myself with more respect. Plus it has only made me happier; Also one of the reasons I face lesser mood swings now. I have stopped letting things (which directly point to me/my looks/my work/my anything) dwell in my heart and try to react with a good wit at the moment itself (feeling a sense of joy as I do that)! It's very important to value yourself if you want others to do so! More importantly if you want to live happy! I don’t say looks are secondary or everyone (especially girls) can accept that fact easily, for I couldn't. I can't skip the truth that only after reducing few kgs and taking a little care of my body and appearance, have I been able to achieve the confidence level I have now. I always wanted to be known by my work, and I am happy to be called the girl with the camera but now I don’t fear the teasers that come along with that.

Right from the heart

Pakhi

Provoked

*Before you start please note, my mother is also a teacher.

It must be a small issue for most of us; some may just laugh at it and don’t bother to give another thought; others may show their anger but forget it after some time; me, I want to give it a fight. I can’t stand when they hurt my self-respect. I live in a democracy and I have a right to express. I don’t see a teacher and a student as two different species with unequal rights. Why shall a student be mum when he knows that what he is being taught is wrong or what he is being scolded for is unreasonable. Today while explaining myself to one of the faculties in Medicaps, I was asked to put down my hands; I am sorry, I don’t understand what you mean! I was mocked at by her in front of her fellow colleagues for getting angry and not accepting the mistake, for showing no shame and for having guts to explain. I am 20, a literate and educated girl who knows the difference between right and wrong; who knows to judge and who has her own voice; also with no criminal record, if that is to count for.

 I can’t breathe in such a dictatorship environment. Why shall we respect your orders, when you yourself don’t respect the powers you have been given! You say this is for our benefit, hah! I differ to agree!  And I am ready have a debate. Let’s have a GD practice, for I missed so many of those lectures.

One more thing, back in school, we didn’t have fines, but there was discipline somehow. We were the same students back then too. I wonder what was different.

Pakhi

How it is for him

*read till the last para, coz' that has best described my life*

Having a non business minded person in family and that too your own dad is such a setback for your fresh mind bubbling with ideas. You wouldn't know what negative aspect he may bring next and your happiness factor will be slashed down to half. He is a very good critic; he analyses well and gives an honest opinion. Only most of the time, he forgets to elaborate on the positive points. It’s not that he is not supportive about my art; he lets me have my freedom, but when it comes to asking for compliments from dad, or a little help concerning my work, he doesn't seem that enthusiastic.

Lately one incident took place and I so wished I had not asked him to drop me at my clients. By the time I reached her place I was hot and red with anger and tears. Lack of patience, lack of understanding as to why the need to show your availability to your clients, lets him speak anything without realizing it’s hurting me deep. I don’t want to do an unsatisfactory job and leave an unsatisfied client. I wish I could explain him this; instead I always get “It’s no use arguing with you.” remark.

It’s not that he is worried about me spending so much, indeed he questions me sometimes why the need to charge so much from a client and asks me to focus on learning right now. See, there it is. It’s the non business mind speaking.  At first even I found it tough to price my work but then you have to, if you want to make your art your career; there is no other option.

I have been so upset for the last few days. Getting irritated by people around, crying off in room, not talking properly to family members, being annoyed at little things, shouting unnecessarily; facing all those mood swings after a long time. Although thankfully crying for career related issues increases your own importance in your life.

Same as my dad even I am not a marketing person, but I do want to spend these 2 years improvising the same. I feel I have moved ahead, at least from where I started. I read this book about a young entrepreneur and how he faced ‘annu aunty and opened a million dollar company’, so much of it is true for any youth in India, so much of it is my story. There are some teachings at the end of it; one of them says do not let your parents be a part of your business idea until you have done it big.

I am determined to do it big. You know I have lived those days back in school when I wanted to be a part of IITs and IIMs, unaware of where my interest lies; only to make everyone proud. Then there came a phase in my life where I accepted life as it is and wished no more but a happy married life. But now, I have entered a stage where I am doing what I love to and firm about my decision; where I want to achieve heights and leave a mark; where I am not blaming anyone because it’s solely my choice and where I am happy.

Pakhi

Happy Birthday DIDI

I don’t want to sound cheesy but I do want to say how much I love you and miss you. I can’t ‘awww’ much or send the e-kiss in form of ‘muaaaaah’ but I do want to wish a very cheerful and dramatic (in a good way) HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY.  

I really love to have you as my elder sister, a friend, a guide and a big support. I do get irritated and may shout at times when you act like mummy but at the end I realize although you don’t stop me and even ask mom dad not to but you always sow in my heart a tiny little seed of wisdom to choose between right and wrong. And probably that is the reason my life has been an easy go most of the times.

I feel so happy to see you happy. Big thanks to jiju for that.  I have seen your crying days; and I love you so much that although I wouldn’t talk to you face to face, but I would cry alone and wanted to beat all those who made you feel so sick. You have been there for me always. Sometimes more than I have been for myself.  Times I lost all hope in me; you were there to show me the doors.  That’s more than being just didi. The sweetest part was and is, you cry for mistakes that are not even yours. You cry for us.

You are a wonderful person. A little over sensitive but we also need your kinds to make us feel so good. Otherwise one would die of the extreme practical nature of today’s world. May the almighty keep you happy and safe. May he doesn't do any more mistakes like he did when he forced an year old child to wear specs.  

Love you cutie pie :P

Yours only

Poodle

Being us is so awesome! :D 

I dont know what to Title IT.

I can’t FAKE it out.  It’s so hard for me to pretend I like a person when I don’t. Suppose I am out with a group of people, may be everybody likes everybody or maybe they have a problem with somebody but will still make it look normal on surface.

ME, I don’t have a surface! Whatever is in heart is served right there on the plate. I take the help of my best buddy, silence, in such situations although it makes it look so obvious. I don’t understand why the need to pretend?  First that person isn’t of any help to you, neither does he entertain you, (I am not being selfish or mean); just because stupid manners say you should be polite and humble one should fake? But don’t the same rules say something about honesty as well?

Anyway cut the crap. I wish I could simply shout at him for his irritating habit. Only because she told me not to otherwise IT will LEAVE A BAD IMPRESSION, I kept quiet, reallllly quiet. Shush quiet.

Did I tell you my mom is on FACEBOOK now? She is also practicing to speak fluent ENGlish. Plus she is doing pretty well in it, maintaining a regular diary, getting it checked by a teacher in bus, before that asking me to review it for any mistakes which I am so not allowed to correct with a red pen or else my 46 year old mom would jump into a 4 year old kid. It’s so cool you know. But the highlight is she is on Facebook. Suddenly dad also became active. Then came request from my aunt and cousin sisters (all married and mummies of big kids). In competition and complex, all the elderly people in my family are coming on facebook. It’s a nightmare. You can’t block them all, their children seem to be in our friend list, you can’t accept their friend request, god NO! You can’t be partial also by adding the modern papas and mummies of the family. One has to deal with it with intense care, selecting the right privacy settings, no NV status updates, they can be a blunder, No pictures chipkoying with guy friends, a big NO to that. Don’t be surprised when your mom’s inbox is flooded with messages talking about you, your pictures and of course that typical line, “kitni badhi hogai hai Pakhi.” Oh.my. god.

Recently I have come over that teenagish tickle I felt when a hot guy talked to me. NO I haven’t turned gay. I just feel more confident than before. It’s good, isn’t it?  What happened, where it happened, with whom it happened, how I drew this conclusion, every single detail will be shared when I feel like elaborating on that, as of now, I have thought to write under the title, ‘serendipity’.

Okay that’s about it for this post...

Signing off Curious minds

Pakhi