That Sad Phase

"Sometimes it feels better not to talk, at all. about anything, to anyone."


I found myself crying in the morning. I found myself getting hurt for a petty small taunt by mom. Later, when dad screamed that the girl has gone mad. Both didn't know of what was going in me deep. I got ready for college. And then I found myself shedding tears in bus too. Seriously what has gone terribly wrong with me. A month back I was awesome. Barney awesome. It's just of the 24 hours we get in a day, I am able to give only an hour to home and family. And sometimes not even that much. Even mom is having a hard time in school but she is the mom. She manages everything. And I know it's her right to expect and shout, it brings you on the right track but I am helpless presently. I have no idea how to manage my day more well than what I am doing right now. I have no idea how to make people understand my current situation without blaming me. 

Past few days have been so rough on me. Especially when I realized, I hardly share my day with anyone. I was crying and I didn't know whom to call or text to. For me its college which eats up my hours, with no output, except for the fun I have with classmates which is equally important. Then I have to have to hit the gym, that one hour to body in the whole day, may whatever comes, isn't a very selfish thing, is it? Editing is always in the list, there are constant shoots by God's grace and constant client calls for pictures and the need to keep facebook page up to date. So editing is a must, that's my work, I get paid for that, there is no way skipping it. College assignments and tests hardly matter but you need to skim the syllabus at times, it's normal. Weekends are booked for shoots and meetings. Meeting clients, meeting and maintaining the social cobweb that got netted all through these years. Sleeps on an average consume 6hours on daily basis, else I usually fall sick either physically or mentally. I have even stopped watching TV, finally realized the Indian drama isn't  worth your time, at least not when you are fighting for few minutes for yourself in the entire day. Guests are a regular affair at my place with mom needing my help and if not that, the presence. See, I don't want to sound very weak and feeble and I don't want to blame time, but I am working on how can I give everybody and everything a part of my 24hours. Like any other human I constantly need a cup of coffee with friends to keep me going and to keep me happy. I don't want to miss out on those outings which only comes at this age and enjoyed at this age. I don't want to compromise when it comes to traveling be it anywhere. And I don't want to do all it with a guilty heart. Before people I love are in different parts of the world, before it becomes more tough to catch up, I fancy to build up as many memories as I can. I want to have stories to tell. I know leaving Indore will change the scenario completely. Especially for mom and me. Both of us will learn to live on our own, living without each other's presence. But until that, I wish a magical spray.

I don't know why I post my diary entries in public. Whenever I am going through something, I write. I blog, because this way I feel, at least I am not forcing them on to anyone in particular. People are reading with free will. And it makes me happy. Because if I am asked to pinpoint whether I know a person who would want to hear my sad stories, I guess I will have a no for an answer. They can want me for fun, for stupidity, for clicking their pictures but none for a sad note. They can empathize for once but nobody I know can really feel it or who won't get tired of the dull and cranky me. I seek for the later. I don't want to waste my mood and energy on people who will feel they just rotted off their time with me. There are moments when there is literally nothing to share but a wish for big wide hug and to be wrapped up in arms that can feel my pain, to be not thought as the girl gone senti-mad but to be in arms that care. To be asked, if I am alright or if I feel any better even when I lie I am. To be respected even when the sad me sounds a total nutcase. 

I wish a magical spray. 

Pakhi 

Women's Day.Happy?

8th March, 2015. International Women's Day. Facebook is flooded with wishes for Women's day. There are status updates and inbox messages. I did one as well. Boys and girls all have googled some decent quotes and shared on their walls. Today Newspaper reads "Happy Women's Day" In bold. But Yesterday the story was different. Yesterday Times front page read, "another Nirbhaya  case seen in Gujrat", tomorrow again, I am certain, more Nirbhayas will be produced. Sick. It's disgusting. Walking alone on a street swamped with males, isn't a very pleasing experience. Has never been. Those eyes, scrutinizing her boobs and ass, rating her down and commenting as she passes by; and that alone isn't enough. Some whistle, some make noise as if they have already had their dick into her vagina. If the girl isn't his desired figure, then god save her from those displeasing comments. And here I am not only talking of those illiterate men who come up from small towns in search of jobs and betterment and are appalled to see women drivers, women waiters, women doctors as compared to a veiled woman hidden in their homes. I am talking of the other half as well. The other educated half who are not ashamed to show their middle finger to a lady passerby. Who show no signs of guilt even when caught leching. And who then on social networking site wish a Happy women's day decorated with emojis. Who themselves are tripling on a two wheeler, driving rash and faced accidents yet are insolent enough to place remarks on the woman driving the next vehicle. Born with an elephant size ego, they can't accept a woman overtaking them even on roads, leave  jobs and rest. Even in this 21st century, I, a woman, is scared to walk alone on empty streets. Scared to ask for help from a group of boys because they don't appear humans that will extend help to a fellow human being; but thirsty animals hunting for a prey to fall into their trap. I am scared as shit. Every day they hurt me for my looks. They hurt me for what I do. They comment on me for being too girly or too boyish. Emotionally I am bruised. My heart aches as they rate me day and night and I can't raise my voice. Because mom says, Let them, or you might welcome scars that might never fade. Let them, keep shush. Let them, else society will talk. Let them otherwise the next moment you will find yourself fighting for your life. Let them. You keep shush...

Is it really a Happy Women's Day?
Pakhi 

Picture by my favorite Nirrimi Firebrace

Right from the Lecture

I was pissed I don't get time to write, idiot me. What are these ho-hum lectures for. And what good is your high end Smartphone huh, just to make calls which even Nokia 1100 could. We happen to be a group of odd number, hence one of us is often left out to find his/her own source of entertainment. I found this last seat today, besides a girl who is busy completing journal for the next lab. Pure solitude if you may call so, perfect for some sensible scribbling.

Do you guys also find yourself building some stupid situations in your head. You try to be the hero or the one saved by him? The hero can be an imaginary character or a real life person whom you see as the hero. I know what I am scribbling can no more be called a sensible writing but still do you? And then there are times, those desperate times when you want everything to happen for real. May be you are jobless enough or may be too busy working to think you deserve this much at least.  :P I fall in the second I guess and these little fantasies keep seeding up from time to time. Like right now. @_@

Few months from now TCS, a new world altogether. While I was hunting a flat, mixing up with roommates, planning weekends and of course understanding the different humans I will be coming across, in my foolish little head, my friend was wondering of the department and the project she will be given. -_-

I never considered office life as a part of my TCS journey. And even if it is, I am excited to move out. To see if I can make it. To escape the comfort of maa k haath ka khaana and survive on mess food. To explore the world. To know myself more.

Leaving college will obviously hurt, but moving on is one thing I learnt from this place only. Life will move on. And so will people. Some might find it hard at first but eventually everyone will adjust to the idea. Some will enjoy it. Some will detest it. As far as I am concerned, I am prepared to face the unprepared me. *.*

Lastly, How weird are some souls. You can never understand them. I bet they don't understand themselves as well. :/ I have a few in my list too. Their presence or absence makes absolutely no sense in my life. Still they are there displaying their weirdness time and again. O_o

Pakhi

Express

30days. Weddings. Non stop Shoots. New people. Sleep deprived. Fake smile. Me me and only me in crowded places full of glittery people hiding emotions behind a 550D.

After over a month that the College reopened, I stepped in only to meet a bunch of very angry friends. I thought a few hours of fun would dilute it but No. There was something more that was building up inside them. A clear negative vibe for me. At first I was confused then a little irritated but gradually I understood the depth of the infuriated minds. It was our last few months together and ending four years of friendship in a small but deep misunderstanding wasn't something I was ready to accept. Like always I asked my Mom where did I go wrong to be welcomed by such a behavior. I asked my best chum cum counsellor if I was really a person they described me as.

From both I learnt that take out time for people who love you no matter what. Take out the damn time. Everybody at some point expect something out of you. And that something is most of the times expressing the fact that you are there and that you care.

I just experienced a trailer of an over busy office life and how one loses out on closed ones. Although you might have a very valid reason of staying away but till when can both the sides keep giving justifications? The chain of reasons and excuses doesn't make a healthy relationship. So it's okay to take a backseat. Its okay to let go of Whys and spread the love that has been rusting in your little heart.

Pakhi
And here goes the edited version of my Apology Letter to the friend:

Hi,

Because this is the best way I can write my heart out…

 I told mummy what happened as you know I kind of share almost everything with her, to get an insight to what actually went wrong. To some extent she was neutral, she told me on your journey to create a name in the market, this was the first thing that was very much possible. And it was to come. You have entered a life which your friends are yet to. Although they may understand your point of you later, like in a few months when they get a job but right now it's you who should understand theirs. Like a group of close knit friends, they have a right to have certain expectations from you. For whatsoever reasons, if it's not fulfilled and if such happens for a long time, heart breaks. How long  can one be a giver? We are all human, and for every deed we do, we expect something in return. Unfortunately you many a times fail to understand this little fact consciously or unconsciously. Even we as parents have experienced this in you. When you are ill, you want us by your bedside, but when we are, you don't even ask "mummy how's health, you want something?" You seem so detached as if we don't matter, busy with your work or friends.

I was left wordless. Because it was all true. I lack a sense of love in me or a sense to express it rather and I guess it's time I develop it. Especially when I no longer need people in work or pleasure but to thank them that the mere feeling that they exist makes me keep going in life. Thank you for making me realize it. An emotional person, my dad, when he heard my story, he was on your side. He told me she has every reason to think what she thinks.

When I am your friend, I assure you I will be there till death made us apart. I am sorry past one month I gave a totally new look to you, no calls from my side, no missing messages, no plans to catch up, nothing. I won't  tell you what all I went through in the last 30 days until we are in talking terms with no grudges to hold on to because then  they will only appear as mere reasons to hide my heartlessness. I am sorry again girl. I can only tell, I have cried and missed you guys. Like one leaves home happily only to realize how big a comfort it was and nothing can be like it. Same happened with me too. But I was under commitment and having no other option but to work day and night, no body to ask me, " Paridhi how are shoots going?" Nobody to take out anger on. Always putting a fake smile and clicking away hiding the loneliness behind. What appears in photographs isn't always true friend. The smile and the glow may be a result of some cosmetic.  

I know your golden heart. I understand it has been really hurt by people, and now I am in the list too. But believe me, for once if you would have called me up and screamed out all that was building up inside you, the very day I could , I would have come to your place and snuggled in your bed and cried...

May be at times I forget to show, but I feel too…

Take care.

Let the ego that has been hurt, be let go, and let us live the line  ladaaiii karne se pyaar badhta hai. I have a blurred vision right now, may be tears. Love you loads idiot, if I may call you one.

Love 

Paridhi

The Change is YOU

My last write up from 2014. 

I had been wanting to write a blog for long, like really long but somehow it kept on pending and never took a form. So many things happened all around me that whenever I sat to write I found lack of time and they were left incomplete in bits of papers and unfinished word documents. Before the last digit of the year changes and we bid farewell to 2014, let me quickly sum up the major headlines of this wonderful year that's soon going  to become a past. As if god showered all his blessings upon me, I had an eventful Twenty Fourteen. I was placed in the first company that came to college, I made some beautiful friends, was saved from a back in a subject in which almost half the class was caught up for a while, I went out on my most memorable trip of all with an amazing set of people. Above everything Bunny, my nephew, now 5 months old, came into our lives. Also my career in photography took a leap forward. Work came to me, a lot of work indeed that I had to say no to, due to time trouble. Most importantly I started receiving compliments for my photographs from all sorts of people, clients, friends, strangers. And every time it happened I would jump like an excited little girl who receives a Barbie in her Birthday Present.

Two days left for the year to end and I want to make a little confession. I don’t have regrets about 2014 and I don’t have resolutions for 2015. All I feel is pretty. A pimple or rather two on my right cheek, chipped lips, split ends in hair, flab here and there and yet you read it correct, I feel pretty. Pretty is not flawless skin, pretty is not perfect figure, maybe it is for you but for me it's a feeling. I feel beautiful down in my heart. I feel proud of me somehow. For the road I chose, for the downfalls I climbed, for the people I met and the ones I left, for the family and friends I am in love with, for everything ME and for everything not me. I don’t know if this is what people call being self obsessed but I find no wrong in embracing oneself. If there is one thing I learnt this 2014 then it is to love thy self. When you do so, the world automatically is attracted to you. You are flooded in with positivity, you tend to see the good everywhere and the same is seen in you. It's the vibe you emit then, it's magical.

Many of my previous posts had talked about my transition from a girl suffering from mood swings and negativity to a  much balanced and happy person. I used to compare my life to others. I was never pleased with what I had in my plate and for every success  they had the answer remained because they were served with the silver spoon and I wasn’t. For everything I did, my worry was not how the result will affect me, but the major concern remained what are they going to think. I wouldn’t admit but secret jealously had become my second nature. I used to live depressed and cry in front of mirror; I would curse me for being me.

 I am rewinding my life for all those who are still struggling with a similar if not the same state of affairs. Yesterday I was talking to a friend and he didn’t seem happy for hundreds of reasons. He wasn’t how a person should be at 20. Doubts, fear and lack of love seemed to have blanketed him. I couldn’t show but I was upset and unfortunately irritated at why is he wasting the potential he has, why is he so vague in life.  And at that moment it hit me. I changed my outlook towards life and life changed for me. But not everyone is aware of this simple solution to happiness. They are still cribbing at circumstances. That's when I decided to write this post. I came across this beautiful note I would like to share with you all.

"I want you to look at yourself like you look at flowers and sunsets and animals and all the most beautiful, natural things in the world. You look at them without judgment or criticism and just appreciate them for what they are instead of wishing they were different. You are natural and you are meant to look as you do and meant to be as you are. You are a magnificent, complex piece of art like all the other wonders of nature. Start looking at every part of yourself with wonder and love"

They talk about resolutions at new years, and you come up with a long list of impossible events which you begin with and eventually drop off. How about a simple resolution of changing the way you see yourself and your life. Believe me everything else will fit in exactly the way you ever wanted them to.  

Pakhi

Tiny Little Humans

I love the little hands and little toes.

I love those glittering eyes and the tiny nose.

More than that I love the millions of expressions they show

And the way they can make you smile, when you  feeling low

I don’t remember since when, but since my last memory as a child, I know I have this different connection with kids. Even when I myself was one, I would always be the caretaker of the still smaller ones. The neighborhood would sing "pakhi didi"; there was this girl who would match clothes with me, if I wore a skirt she would do the same, if I was wearing dangri, she would run to her mom and get herself changed into a dangri. Kids would come to our place, when told "pakhi k yaha jaa reh". Probably my name was funny and easy and they could catch it and remember it, or probably they found me equally crazy as them or maybe because I didn't mind them touching my hair or bag or phone or anything in my room and would happily give them away because of that smile on their faces. Whatever it was, whatever it is, I feel happy they easily bond with me. They give me peace like no other can. They are such beautiful creatures. So pure. So serene. As clear as the sky. As transparent as the water.  They are what they are. God's little angels. They are not poor, they are not rich. They are tiny people with tiny everything but a big-big heart that can win anyone. Two days back I was leaving the gym all furious at something and this cute curly haired grabbed my attention and I couldn't help but approach his mom and took him in my arms for a while. Bliss. When my elder sister delivered Bunny (my nephew) and I wasn't allowed to hold him for god knows what reasons, I literally cried in my room and hated my mom for those few minutes. Although now it makes me laugh, but these adorable tiny humans, how can one stay away from them.

They poop and they pee, They are what you see

They cry and they weep, their heavenly sleep

Tiny little humans are gods own people

Lightening the dark and brightening the dull.

Pakhi

No Pubs for Me

Decided once and for all; I am never entering any lounges/pubs/bars. Be it your party or let me be paying for my entry but a big NO. Over the years, I have tried to adjust into the dark and loud ambiance; but I simply can't. May be it's my pathetic dance skills ? Or perhaps the awkward situations I find myself in. It can be my inability to remember the hip hop songs (any song for that matter) and to understand the beats and the stupid rhythm. I have no idea. Yes I don't drink but I have nothing against it as well. I was never a saint. I guess I simply don't like it. I don't feel comfortable; maybe because it's too dark or too loud to even hear your own self. I don't know. Many give me an "out of the world" look when I try to make them clear my dislike for discs. But who cares? I listen to my heart and it says NO in capitals!

 I am fond of dressing up; not too much of it but yes sometimes blood red lips or a dramatic eye makeup and a cool hairdo aren't totally hate-able. But I would prefer getting ready for a dim lit restaurant with a Live band playing probably, sitting around with a bunch of friends served with delicacies over the table rather than a suffocating dance floor raining with neon. Once in a blue moon I do turn up at dance  parties, just in case I have developed any taste buds for the same, but OH NO. Oh no no!

Last experience was a few days back, and I am purposefully writing this post so as to make sure I register it before I repeat the mistake of stepping into a place which I am sure to regret afterwards. Also to make friends note it before they force me into such parties and waste my time and mood.

I guess I am meant for an open sky with stars glittering above me. Soft music and friends.Sheer bliss! 

Pakhi