Express

30days. Weddings. Non stop Shoots. New people. Sleep deprived. Fake smile. Me me and only me in crowded places full of glittery people hiding emotions behind a 550D.

After over a month that the College reopened, I stepped in only to meet a bunch of very angry friends. I thought a few hours of fun would dilute it but No. There was something more that was building up inside them. A clear negative vibe for me. At first I was confused then a little irritated but gradually I understood the depth of the infuriated minds. It was our last few months together and ending four years of friendship in a small but deep misunderstanding wasn't something I was ready to accept. Like always I asked my Mom where did I go wrong to be welcomed by such a behavior. I asked my best chum cum counsellor if I was really a person they described me as.

From both I learnt that take out time for people who love you no matter what. Take out the damn time. Everybody at some point expect something out of you. And that something is most of the times expressing the fact that you are there and that you care.

I just experienced a trailer of an over busy office life and how one loses out on closed ones. Although you might have a very valid reason of staying away but till when can both the sides keep giving justifications? The chain of reasons and excuses doesn't make a healthy relationship. So it's okay to take a backseat. Its okay to let go of Whys and spread the love that has been rusting in your little heart.

Pakhi
And here goes the edited version of my Apology Letter to the friend:

Hi,

Because this is the best way I can write my heart out…

 I told mummy what happened as you know I kind of share almost everything with her, to get an insight to what actually went wrong. To some extent she was neutral, she told me on your journey to create a name in the market, this was the first thing that was very much possible. And it was to come. You have entered a life which your friends are yet to. Although they may understand your point of you later, like in a few months when they get a job but right now it's you who should understand theirs. Like a group of close knit friends, they have a right to have certain expectations from you. For whatsoever reasons, if it's not fulfilled and if such happens for a long time, heart breaks. How long  can one be a giver? We are all human, and for every deed we do, we expect something in return. Unfortunately you many a times fail to understand this little fact consciously or unconsciously. Even we as parents have experienced this in you. When you are ill, you want us by your bedside, but when we are, you don't even ask "mummy how's health, you want something?" You seem so detached as if we don't matter, busy with your work or friends.

I was left wordless. Because it was all true. I lack a sense of love in me or a sense to express it rather and I guess it's time I develop it. Especially when I no longer need people in work or pleasure but to thank them that the mere feeling that they exist makes me keep going in life. Thank you for making me realize it. An emotional person, my dad, when he heard my story, he was on your side. He told me she has every reason to think what she thinks.

When I am your friend, I assure you I will be there till death made us apart. I am sorry past one month I gave a totally new look to you, no calls from my side, no missing messages, no plans to catch up, nothing. I won't  tell you what all I went through in the last 30 days until we are in talking terms with no grudges to hold on to because then  they will only appear as mere reasons to hide my heartlessness. I am sorry again girl. I can only tell, I have cried and missed you guys. Like one leaves home happily only to realize how big a comfort it was and nothing can be like it. Same happened with me too. But I was under commitment and having no other option but to work day and night, no body to ask me, " Paridhi how are shoots going?" Nobody to take out anger on. Always putting a fake smile and clicking away hiding the loneliness behind. What appears in photographs isn't always true friend. The smile and the glow may be a result of some cosmetic.  

I know your golden heart. I understand it has been really hurt by people, and now I am in the list too. But believe me, for once if you would have called me up and screamed out all that was building up inside you, the very day I could , I would have come to your place and snuggled in your bed and cried...

May be at times I forget to show, but I feel too…

Take care.

Let the ego that has been hurt, be let go, and let us live the line  ladaaiii karne se pyaar badhta hai. I have a blurred vision right now, may be tears. Love you loads idiot, if I may call you one.

Love 

Paridhi

The Change is YOU

My last write up from 2014. 

I had been wanting to write a blog for long, like really long but somehow it kept on pending and never took a form. So many things happened all around me that whenever I sat to write I found lack of time and they were left incomplete in bits of papers and unfinished word documents. Before the last digit of the year changes and we bid farewell to 2014, let me quickly sum up the major headlines of this wonderful year that's soon going  to become a past. As if god showered all his blessings upon me, I had an eventful Twenty Fourteen. I was placed in the first company that came to college, I made some beautiful friends, was saved from a back in a subject in which almost half the class was caught up for a while, I went out on my most memorable trip of all with an amazing set of people. Above everything Bunny, my nephew, now 5 months old, came into our lives. Also my career in photography took a leap forward. Work came to me, a lot of work indeed that I had to say no to, due to time trouble. Most importantly I started receiving compliments for my photographs from all sorts of people, clients, friends, strangers. And every time it happened I would jump like an excited little girl who receives a Barbie in her Birthday Present.

Two days left for the year to end and I want to make a little confession. I don’t have regrets about 2014 and I don’t have resolutions for 2015. All I feel is pretty. A pimple or rather two on my right cheek, chipped lips, split ends in hair, flab here and there and yet you read it correct, I feel pretty. Pretty is not flawless skin, pretty is not perfect figure, maybe it is for you but for me it's a feeling. I feel beautiful down in my heart. I feel proud of me somehow. For the road I chose, for the downfalls I climbed, for the people I met and the ones I left, for the family and friends I am in love with, for everything ME and for everything not me. I don’t know if this is what people call being self obsessed but I find no wrong in embracing oneself. If there is one thing I learnt this 2014 then it is to love thy self. When you do so, the world automatically is attracted to you. You are flooded in with positivity, you tend to see the good everywhere and the same is seen in you. It's the vibe you emit then, it's magical.

Many of my previous posts had talked about my transition from a girl suffering from mood swings and negativity to a  much balanced and happy person. I used to compare my life to others. I was never pleased with what I had in my plate and for every success  they had the answer remained because they were served with the silver spoon and I wasn’t. For everything I did, my worry was not how the result will affect me, but the major concern remained what are they going to think. I wouldn’t admit but secret jealously had become my second nature. I used to live depressed and cry in front of mirror; I would curse me for being me.

 I am rewinding my life for all those who are still struggling with a similar if not the same state of affairs. Yesterday I was talking to a friend and he didn’t seem happy for hundreds of reasons. He wasn’t how a person should be at 20. Doubts, fear and lack of love seemed to have blanketed him. I couldn’t show but I was upset and unfortunately irritated at why is he wasting the potential he has, why is he so vague in life.  And at that moment it hit me. I changed my outlook towards life and life changed for me. But not everyone is aware of this simple solution to happiness. They are still cribbing at circumstances. That's when I decided to write this post. I came across this beautiful note I would like to share with you all.

"I want you to look at yourself like you look at flowers and sunsets and animals and all the most beautiful, natural things in the world. You look at them without judgment or criticism and just appreciate them for what they are instead of wishing they were different. You are natural and you are meant to look as you do and meant to be as you are. You are a magnificent, complex piece of art like all the other wonders of nature. Start looking at every part of yourself with wonder and love"

They talk about resolutions at new years, and you come up with a long list of impossible events which you begin with and eventually drop off. How about a simple resolution of changing the way you see yourself and your life. Believe me everything else will fit in exactly the way you ever wanted them to.  

Pakhi

Tiny Little Humans

I love the little hands and little toes.

I love those glittering eyes and the tiny nose.

More than that I love the millions of expressions they show

And the way they can make you smile, when you  feeling low

I don’t remember since when, but since my last memory as a child, I know I have this different connection with kids. Even when I myself was one, I would always be the caretaker of the still smaller ones. The neighborhood would sing "pakhi didi"; there was this girl who would match clothes with me, if I wore a skirt she would do the same, if I was wearing dangri, she would run to her mom and get herself changed into a dangri. Kids would come to our place, when told "pakhi k yaha jaa reh". Probably my name was funny and easy and they could catch it and remember it, or probably they found me equally crazy as them or maybe because I didn't mind them touching my hair or bag or phone or anything in my room and would happily give them away because of that smile on their faces. Whatever it was, whatever it is, I feel happy they easily bond with me. They give me peace like no other can. They are such beautiful creatures. So pure. So serene. As clear as the sky. As transparent as the water.  They are what they are. God's little angels. They are not poor, they are not rich. They are tiny people with tiny everything but a big-big heart that can win anyone. Two days back I was leaving the gym all furious at something and this cute curly haired grabbed my attention and I couldn't help but approach his mom and took him in my arms for a while. Bliss. When my elder sister delivered Bunny (my nephew) and I wasn't allowed to hold him for god knows what reasons, I literally cried in my room and hated my mom for those few minutes. Although now it makes me laugh, but these adorable tiny humans, how can one stay away from them.

They poop and they pee, They are what you see

They cry and they weep, their heavenly sleep

Tiny little humans are gods own people

Lightening the dark and brightening the dull.

Pakhi

No Pubs for Me

Decided once and for all; I am never entering any lounges/pubs/bars. Be it your party or let me be paying for my entry but a big NO. Over the years, I have tried to adjust into the dark and loud ambiance; but I simply can't. May be it's my pathetic dance skills ? Or perhaps the awkward situations I find myself in. It can be my inability to remember the hip hop songs (any song for that matter) and to understand the beats and the stupid rhythm. I have no idea. Yes I don't drink but I have nothing against it as well. I was never a saint. I guess I simply don't like it. I don't feel comfortable; maybe because it's too dark or too loud to even hear your own self. I don't know. Many give me an "out of the world" look when I try to make them clear my dislike for discs. But who cares? I listen to my heart and it says NO in capitals!

 I am fond of dressing up; not too much of it but yes sometimes blood red lips or a dramatic eye makeup and a cool hairdo aren't totally hate-able. But I would prefer getting ready for a dim lit restaurant with a Live band playing probably, sitting around with a bunch of friends served with delicacies over the table rather than a suffocating dance floor raining with neon. Once in a blue moon I do turn up at dance  parties, just in case I have developed any taste buds for the same, but OH NO. Oh no no!

Last experience was a few days back, and I am purposefully writing this post so as to make sure I register it before I repeat the mistake of stepping into a place which I am sure to regret afterwards. Also to make friends note it before they force me into such parties and waste my time and mood.

I guess I am meant for an open sky with stars glittering above me. Soft music and friends.Sheer bliss! 

Pakhi

I LOVE HAPPY ENDINGS IN MOVIES. PERIOD

. 

For  people who know me I am tough and practical; I am Leo and all but like many Bollywood struck souls I end up crying in the theatre. I am no American, I like to believe that any story is always going to end with, ' thereafter Mr. xyz settled down and married the love of his life and had two healthy kids, a boy and a girl…blah blah blah.'

Yes I am one of those zillions of emotionally fool Indians who like the movie only if it happens to have the hero triumph over the bad guys; if it has the lead roles, after all the two hours of tragedy, finally hugging and crying in the airport or some mission being accomplished by a gang of these hi tech agents, audience are supposed to support; in short the movies which end with the "Happily ever after" scenes. No matter what genre they belong to, rom-com or action, reality or fiction, IT MUST, MUST HAVE  A HAPPY ENDING.

I mean I pay 100 bucks (god bless Indore) to take out my brain from the real world affairs and enjoy the big screen reel drama. I don’t want to come out of the hall with smudged kohl, swollen eyes and the most important negative thoughts. I want to drown into the dreamy filmy world where good always wins! It doesn't matter if one hero beats hundreds of gundas without a scratch on his face; if five bullets surpasses his heart and he is still alive fighting for humanity, it doesn’t matter if all of it finally ends up to give a happy ending. Of course I am not talking of the 3 B's: bad script , bad direction, bad acting movie. Those suck.  What I am saying here is I would have loved the epic Rang de Basanti IF they wouldn’t have ruthlessly murdered those five. I have watched that movie a dozen times; but never only once that brutal ending. I fell for Ranjhana, only question was what was the need to kill Dhanush. Then we had the blockbuster Aashiqui 2, well frankly I didn't like it whole. Such a depressing headache-giving film.  I watch pictures solely for entertainment purpose. Now this doesn't mean I hated The Pursuit of Happiness. I loved it. Throughout the movie, you feel a pain within but see what a beautiful end can do to our beautiful hearts! This also doesn't imply I enjoy Grand Masti and alike. I cursed my friends for those 3 hours of rotten drama. Of course I have brains and  a good taste. I am never stating that a sad ending connote a movie is unworthy of being nominated in the award functions. NO! Only such pictures leave me with a feeling of, you know, INCOMPLETENESS…

The other thing I don't quite get is how could one come up with something as gross as horror films. Dude, those shits make you scared of your own room, the screech from the trees against the glass windows didn’t matter much until now neither did the door creak sounded so amplified before. Those are ugly and people who watch them are uglier. Bhssshhhhh! Finding a death ride entertaining is atrocious. Totally!

This was it. These were my taste buds. Like many show offs I am not at all an anti-bollywood types. While the super advanced Hollywood has its own place in the Cinema World; Desi masala with its jhintak item numbers has its own fun. For me it doesn't matter much though, I am no critic, All I seek from the celluloid Industry is a Happy film.

Head V/s Heart

Palmistry. Do you believe in it? Do you really think our fate is nothing but all those crisscross lines? Well I am not a complete believer,  although coincidences neither let me ignore it altogether. I am sort of in between like I am in most of such cases. God or no God? Ghosts or is it just our fear? Aliens or the USAs imagination? and you know such cases. I do believe in Science. And I have a slight hope someday Science and God will reconcile.

 

Anyway, that was not what I wanted to talk about. When I started with palmistry, it wasn't just an attempt for a good start, I have something to share on a particular nature of mine. May be you too are a victim, read on. My body tends to mix heart matters with brain and brain with heart. If you study my hand, you will find that my lines of head and heart run together (called the simian line in scientific terms). Coincidence? Well I hope it be that only, my life line is real short otherwise!

I feel she is in pain, she needs a little massage but I am not the first one to say, "mumma, shall I?" She will ask and I will do. Although I felt it, that's where the heart came into play, like it should ; But I never asked her first. Brain sends me these messages, "Pakhi  c'mon it will be such an emotional moment, she'll utter some sweet words, it's going to be so weird. Keep quiet do when she asks" and shuts me up!

I feel terrible when my close ones cry, but nope I am not a hugging-wrapping you around my arms person. Brain always reasons, sends no signals to my mouth and gets me tight lipped. On the other hand it rests when I undergo all those senseless mood swings.

Career matters where brain should have been in complete isolation, heart had to budge in. Class 12th when I should have forgotten the world (besides the JEE material) existed, that was the period my heart was the most active, believe me! I felt low for I was putting on, I felt sad I was single, I started questioning my own choice of opting engineering, I started searching for other hobbies, I suddenly started believing in making a career in what you love, money will follow in which was exactly opposite to my earlier mantra of earning first and you will get a ticket to all your fantasies.  

Emotionally, Mentally, Physically as if an invisible shield exists. You try to cross it and you shall be forgotten forever. I like you, you like me; but then there is a limit. How Chandler would never enter serious relationships; how commitment was such a big deal for him. I do want to cross the line and want you to step in too but this heart and head  game gives me a painful ride instead. How true was my father when he would remark, your hobbies are just a fling ( and so are certain people in my life, head would add).  

I do want to change but can I ? I want to be a part of those tender moments wholeheartedly. I don't want to end up saying had I given 100 % in the examination...  Can that happen? C'mon I want my partner to be happy with me! I don't want my head and heart to question each other's deeds! But do my hands permit it? Because to my surprise this is what I came across on the internet which if you know me, describes the very me! And yes as I claim I am a rare case.

"The simian line may be visualized as an agent responsible for sudden and radical adjustments in an individual’s attitudes, behavior, lifestyle, values, goals, ambitions, and identity. Similarly, these radical adjustments may manifest in the form of new careers, oftentimes in areas these people never before considered. The individual, in this instance, may renounce a sound, secure, and long-standing career to devote him or herself to a lifestyle which may be virtually a planet apart from anything they previously considered pursuing. Leaving everything familiar behind them, these people may feel compelled to fit themselves into their new skins, as it were."

As of now I can be thankful to Photography which coordinates both the powerful organs. Gives me satisfaction and a sense of serenity. It's something I enjoy and it's something my psyche isn't worried about. Indeed it's the thing the two agree upon quite peacefully. Tried and tested for past 3 years and hence announcing it loud. Father wouldn't have got me such expensive accessories had it been just another heart attack. Since I can see my career taking shape, I don't worry it much as I do of my future partner. God bless the poor soul. 

Pakhi

Dreams

Dreams, you can't control, Dreams, you can't hide

Dreams you have been suppressing, Dreams that never died.

It's our sixth semester, one more year  for us to be safely caged in our college lives before we enter into the bizarre competitive world. The very idea is freezing me inside. Not long before I was dying to break the bars and now I find myself sitting in a dark corner, stupefied, doodling my new start point when all of this will come to an end... Ishhhh! To be on your own, it's a hard thing to think upon, isn't it? Today when I see my future rivals, I get these goose bumps; If you find people denying the adrenaline rush, then either they are too good and believers of their own art, or are simply lying. But anyway who I am to say!

The good thing happening to me presently is (honestly I never expected I would be averring this in my four years of Medicaps but nevertheless ) I am sort of enjoying college. Haha ! You may end up calling me capricious as my GRE aspirants friends do but really what seemed a bore an year ago has turned into a fun ride, more or less. Canteens food is tasty, conversations with the philosophical guy never seems to end, there is a hot CC to drool over, the good friend made in the first semester has turned into one of the best chums now, the CAT girl and her CAT crazy stuff appears a lot funnier than they used to, the guy who would poke you, slap you and play with your hair and constantly vex you during the six hours period makes the lectures bearable indeed, the backbenchers and their constant contribution to noise pollution is good in a way that teachers never catch your pranks plus you also have a laugh or two! There are dozens of other reasons for me to bask in these times spent in school! I mean grad school.

Coming back to dreams, I wish to turn into that engineer who has nothing to do with even the E of engineering after college. You know those Chetan Bhagat or Varun Agrawal types. Cargos and a Tee, bag pack and a messy bun, Nike shoes and shades and I am off to my paradise clicking masterpieces. It's amusing how I have love for both the elegant Indian cotton saaree look with a hot blouse and a lil' eye makeup and the one described formerly. I think I can manage both. Ummm yep! A lot of day dreaming in the sixty minutes drive to college and a daffy chat with me regarding my after grad life may give you a lunatic struggling woman look but hey! I really mean each of that dreamy conversation I might have with you. I do!

 You know I hate Arijit Singh and his lovey dovey songs, makes me feel so single this Valentines. hmph! :P Then there is this friend asking me to deliver the rose and a chocolate to his girl friend for he is unable to is like a churiii pierced into my heart, or was that an intentional joke played on me? Ooooo! I loathe such deadpan humor! Grrr!  But Noo!! I don’t  really mean any of it. It's just the innate drama queen in me speaking. I don't feel a single who is ready to mingle right now. I smell more like an ambitious dame who although is cozily sitting in her parents nest, but inside her is a volcano ready to erupt and melt the world with her talent. Oooo such are my dreams...

...and I am a believer of dreaming BIG. 

Pakhi

PS: Of course expect my future entries also to be based on career and ambitions, aim and competitive exams          and how my weak lil' heart deals with all the undue pressure. I may surprise you with few placement              interviews too! Stay tuned!